God, is that you?

Sometimes it is so hard for me to hear God! Right now in my life I am searching for a direct answer from God about where He wants me and what He wants me to do. But I have strong emotions and desires about what and where I want to be.  It is hard for me to move out of my own way and hear the voice of God.  One minute I can be this way and the next minute I can be the total opposite way. How do I put my desires and wishes aside long enough to hear what God is saying?  Is He not speaking?  Last night I felt some what of a break through. I didn’t hear His answer but I felt His presence. Closer then I have in the longest time. Last night after another amazing sermon, I surrendered myself back to god again. As I stood there in complete worship to Him, crying, arms stretched to Him, I total surrendered the future to Him.  I will love Him and worship Him if I am here or if I am there.  I will live my life to honor Him if I am here or there. That I will do everything possible to make Him famous here or there. I know that God is here and there and where God is that is where I want to be. So maybe geography isn’t what is important.  I still don’t know what to do.  But I do know that I want to be chasing after Gods heart.  So I will just be quiet! I will continue to surrender to Him and try my hardest to get out of the way and let God be the driver of my life!!!

Pondering thoughts!

This morning I went to church and the question of the day came from John 21.  Jesus asked Simon Peter, ” do you love these more then Me?”  Rich in returned asked that question of us, are we loving “stuff” more then we are loving God.  So as I pondering on that today and thought to myself, ” is there things, people, or circumstances that I have been loving more then God?” The short answer to that is YES.  The long answer gets more confusing but I don’t think it really matters.  Long or short the answers is yes and that is all that truly matters.  And that is an answer that needs changed.

Then tonight I went to church again, hopeing I could put the thoughts going on in my head aside.  Because truth be told I don’t like what God is saying.  The message tonight posed the question, ” are you and what are you doing to be dangerous for God?”  God calls us to step out of our comfort zone and sometimes into danger to make Him famous.  He said that God is bigger then any promblem we have or will ever come into contact with.  Do we life our lives believing that?  I would love to say that I do but the truth is I don’t.

So what do I do with all this.  Right now I am chosing to live my life for my own comfort.  I don’t like change, I am extremely shy when it comes to new people and situations, and I would rather be comfortable then not.  I know that God calls us out of our comfort zones.  That is where He like us, and to be honest that is when I am at my best.  When I am left to do things on my knowledge, it usually goes alright or just plain awful.  But when I am pushed to do things that I am uncomfortable doing, I rely on God.  And when we allow God to work it is truly amazing.  Those our those “thin places” that Scot talks about.  But why is it so hard for me to do that? BECAUSE I AM A TOTAL MESS!!  So right now there is a war raging with in my heart, mind and soul.  Do what I feel God is saying to do or do what I want to do because it is the easy and safe thing to do? I know what is right but I would rather do what is easy. The choice seems easy but it is not!

So the prayer I am praying for myself is……. to be able to step out in faith and do the dangerous thing.  And to prove to myself and to the world that I love  nothing more then I love God.  That I not only believe but live my life saying that there is NOTHING that my God can’t do and there is nothing I can’t do if I live for God. 

Summer vaction

Well today was the first offical day of summer vaction.  For all you stay at home moms this is always a bittersweet time of the year.  I love my 3 boys and treasure the time we have together making memories.  But they also drive me completely crazy.  How can they get bored so fast?  I mean with computers,IPods, play stations, games boys, cell phones, tv, bikes, toys, a big back yard, etc.  I mean come on give me a break, it is the first day and I have already heard the “I am bored” from my 13 year old.  I wanted to smack him but I didn’t.  But we survived the first day..no body was hurt, spanked,grounded and no one cried for any reason.  At this point in the evening I haven’t even moved bedtime up. So I call today a total success!!! Only 77 more days to go until school is back in. Tune back in to see “The diary of a crazied stay at home mom”, should be a interesting ride.  Pray for me…I am going back into the lions den!!

CHANGES

I don’t deal well with change, in any area.  Changes of friends, job,address, or even my pant size.  But change is a way of life and I need to deal with it.  God uses change to stretch and strenght us, but that doesn’t mean it is easy.  Over they last year God has slowly been changing me and the direction He has for my life.  It hurts like crazy and I am stubborn and don’t hear or listen well.  I have spent my life dwelling on the past, living a surface and sometimes ever fake life.  But I desire more now.  I desire a deeper more intimates relationship with my friends and my lord.  I am proud to say that it has been 2 whole days since I have thought a negitive thought about myself.  My main struggle in life is not forgiving myself and accepting Gods grace and forgivness.  I have talked about that in earlier blogs.  But Scot preached sunday on communion and the death of Jesus.  I have known that stuff and heard it many times but this time it hit home.  For the first time I truly saw myself as the beloved daughter of the risen king.  I was and am beautifully made.  It is one area that I am changed.  Friendship is another big area that is changing in my life.  I have the greatest group of friends.  I love them so very much but not all friends are meant to stay in your life forever.  As a earlier post said some friends are for a reason,a season, or a  lifetime.  But I am a friend for life so letting friendships go, is and will always be hard.  There are a few more changes if my life to come but I am not ready to talk about them yet.  Change hurts and I am dealing with the change in strides.  But I know it is God directing my path so I am not scared.  Nervous yes but not scared.  So pray for me, pray that I keep focused on God and I keep changing into the women that He desires me to be.  And of course come back to hear all the changes that are coming my way.

Letter to an angel!

Over the last few weeks I have discovered some things about myself.  I hold on to every hurt, pain or negitive experience in my life.  I have made some bad choice in life that has caused bad things to happen to me. As well as having bad things happen to me for no other reason but that its just life.  I have grown into a better person as a result of those things but like all things I also have some negitive residue that still lingers in my heart.  There is so many things in my life I want to change and stop holding on to.  So today, as most people start spring cleaning their house, I am going to start spring cleaning my heart, mind and soul.  Today for the first time I am going to deal with things one last time and finally give them to God where they belong. Today I am allowing God to relief me from the bondage that I have allowed Satan to hang over my head for way to many years. Today I embrace the true and life saving grace of the Lord who loves me so much.  It will be hard but it is finally time to be real with myself and stop play victim and grow closer to God and truly accept His forgiveness.

One thing that I hang on to is the hurt and anger of a miscarriage of a baby I so much wanted.  My first 2 pregnancy were unplanned and to face the truth I was just a kid myself.  But this pregnancy was different.  Every step of it was a planned out thing.  I prayed for this baby before it was even conceived.  Don’t get me wrong I love all of my kids the same but the steps towards this pregnancy were thought out.  When I find out I was pregnant I was on cloud nine. They estimated that I was about 7or 8 weeks along.  But the joy only last a little while.  It was that very evening that I found out that I was expected that I started bleeding.  The next day I had a ultrasound.  The doctor didn’t see a fetus but scheduled blood work to be done.  I had blood taken on a friday and then again on monday.  Over the weekend I miscarried they baby.  Deep down I knew I had but was still hoping I hadn’t.  But Monday afternoon the doctor called with the results and said that the count in my blood had definitely confirmed the miscarriage. I only know her for 6 short days but I fell in love with her.  A part of me died the day that my nightmare was confirmed. I was anger at everyone but mad at myself the most. I felt like a total failure, my body was designed to do this and it failed..I failed. But I now realize that I have to let it go.  God had a plan for me and for the little one that I only knew for 6 short days.  He knew this baby and loved her as much if not more then me.  He never meant for the loss of her to consume me.  Today I will remember her and be thankful that I was able to carry her, even if for a short time, and be blessed to know that I have a special little angel waiting for mommy to come and hold her.  One day I will be reunited with her and a heavenly Father who loves me and know what He is doing.

This is the letter I write to help grief. Hoping that write my hurts out it would help.  Today I give this over to God and will leave it there for the first and last time!

1/29/01

My precious little one,

It has been almost a week since I lost you.  I miss you so much.  There is so much I will never know, at least not until I see you in heaven.I will never know the joy of watching you play or rocking you to sleep. My arms ache to hold you. Though I find comfort that instead of my arms you are in the arms of Jesus. I still catch myself rubbing my belly and praying that you were still there. I loved being pregnant with your brothers.  When I found out I was going to have you, I looked forward to carry you.  I longed to feel you move and kick inside my womb.  I long to look into your eyes and try to look into your soul to try to figure out who you would take after. Would you have your fathers eyes or my smile. Your father loves you very much too.  He misses and grieves you.  I don’t understand why I had to loss you. Why you were so quickly taken from me. Why your precious life slipped through my hand.  I don’t know when or how I will stop feeling all this pain.  I try to focus on the beautiful baby I will have in heaven to hold and be reunited with someday.  But it hurts to much right now.  I love you so much my little one.  I’ll see you one day. 

Your mother,

Tom Stoppard

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.

Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
British dramatist & screenwriter (1937 - )

This is a quote that I heard today.  I can’t seem to forget it.  I like it, not quite sure how or if I am suppose to imply it to my life.  What are your thoughts of this quote?

The wages of sin are….shame!

Shame-a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming or impropriety.  We have all sinned and for me my sin has caused shame.  There is two sides to this, I know I am forgiven so the sins is gone but the shame still stays.  Why is that? What is Gods outlook on this?  Does he want us to give the shame to Him?  In the depth of my soul I believe He does.  I believe He wants to free us from all the bondage.  So if that is true and somewhere in me I really believe it, then why do I hang on to it.  In some ways I feel it is my punishment for my sin.  That I deserve what I get. But then is that a slap to God’s face, saying that His forgivence isn’t enough? I don’t want to do that but I have been unsuccessful at forgiving myself. So what and where do I go from here?  My brain and my heart don’t speak the same language. I think in my head one way but I heart tells me something different. My heart tells me that I don’t deserve to be shame free, I did the crime now I have to do the time. Is that just Satan keeping me right where he wants me?  Why do I give that power to someone that doesn’t deserve it.  Why can’t I just move on and allow God to work His magic.  My desire and one day it will be, it live my life free of all bondage and allow God to work a miracle in my life.  I am ready to let it go, it is exhausting carrying around so much hurt and pain.  So cyper friends….any suggestion on how I can start forgiving myself the same way Christ has forgiven me?

FRIENDSHIP Part2

Many of us are fortunate enough to have friends who are a consistent part of our lives throughout all our ups and downs. However, sometimes others we consider friends appear to enter, then depart from our lives for reasons we try to, but don’t always, understand. This piece nicely explains the flow of people in and out of our lives.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, b ecause your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

march madness

Every year me, Austin(my son) and Terry ( the husband) fill out the March Madness bracket.  With the victory of Memphis over UCLA tonight I secured my second win in a role.  My final 4 picks were all right but I need Memphis to win tonight to claim victor for this year.  I win, it doesn’t matter what else happens I have bragging rights once again.  GO GIRL!!  I never watch a game during the regular season but I must just have some natural talent. Sorry to the boys but you got bet by a girl yet once again.  I still love you both though.  I am just better then you are.

Just wanted to add that not only my final four but also my final 2 were right.  I am so good!! GO Memphis bring the championship home to mama!!

FRIENDSHIP

What is friendship? True friendship? Wikipedia says ” friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between 2 or more people.” What does that mean?  If I got my hair done and I look like I have been in a fight with grizzly bears.  And I ask “how does my hair look?” What does a true friend say? Do they lie and say, “girl you look slammin” or tell the hard truth “girl you look like a train wreak”  Now be honest girls, don’t we tell our friend what they want to hear. But doesn’t it take a bigger and better friend to tell the hard truth. It may hurt but what hurts more then being lied to. To me friendship is a open, honest relationship where I can bear my soul,secrets and sin. But never be judged for them. My pastor tells us that friendship can be measured by how many people show up at your house at midnight in an emergency.  That may be partial true but how many people will tell me the truth even though it will hurt like hell. Friendship is love and love never lies. Now don’t get me wrong there is a difference in being honest and being rude.  Tell the truth in love.  If I look bad tell me, if I hurt your feelings tell me, if you hate me tell me.  Just be truthful and honest. Lying or walking around like nothing is wrong only leads to spectualition which leads to things blown out of proportion. Come on girls…let just be honest even if it may hurt.  Not knowing or the “what ifs” will always hurt more.

Now that I have rumbled on and even confused myself.  What kind of friend are you? What kind of friends do you want to surround ourself with.